So many of us are scared of making goals because we have set so many of them in the past and then felt like failures when we didn’t accomplish them. I know that I am guilty of this. So much, that I didn’t ever want to set goals again because I feared I would let myself down. I wanted to feel good about myself without constantly thinking I didn’t have the self-discipline to actually attain my goals.
Do any of you relate?
But what if that is not the purpose of setting a goal. Could it be possible that just the act of setting a goal, helps us to achieve more than we would otherwise if we didn’t set a goal at all?
My friend was telling me about someone she knew that is a high school basketball player. She was frustrated with herself because her average points per game were not as high as she wanted it to be. She was nervous to set a point goal because of the same reasons I haven’t wanted to set goals before… didn’t want to be disappointed in herself (or embarrassed that she didn’t meet her goal). She was encouraged to set a goal anyways. Guess what happened… Because she had the intention of making xx points in a game, her brain went to work on finding the opportunities she had to make a shot. Her brain was working behind the scenes to help her achieve her goal, almost without her knowing it. And guess what her result was… her average of points/game went up. Did it match her goal? It really doesn’t matter… what really matters is that by setting the goal, she was making progress in the direction she was wanting to go.
Now let’s think if she didn’t have that point goal. I don’t think her brain would be as actively working for open shots, and therefore her progress would have been more limited.
What I’m offering here is maybe the intention of goal setting is not so much about hitting the goal, but about what you accomplish along the way in your efforts to hit your goal. Maybe goal setting is about who I become along the way as I take steps to achieve my goal.
But how do we stay in a mindset that sees our progress, despite possibly not making the goal, as a WIN! Isn’t progress, not perfection, what we are shooting for anyways??
Here are some tips for having goals work FOR you and not AGAINST you…
- Notice the Progress: After setting a goal, go back and notice all the things you accomplished by setting this goal, that you would NOT have done if you hadn’t set that goal. There might be some achievements that weren’t part of your initial goal, but happened anyways just because you had an intention to reach your goal. Most likely you made progress or learned something just because you did set a goal in the first place.
- System Check: If you’re a box checker and want to check all the boxes when setting goals, ask yourself, “how does this system help me?” And “How does it get in the way of progress?”. Checking the box might work really well in some areas of your life and then not so helpful in other areas. Examine that and use what helps you move forward.
- Be Onto the Negative Mind: Notice how your brain wants to focus on all the ways you didn’t meet your goal and doesn’t lend a listening ear to hear about all the ways you progressed. So interesting how our brains like to focus on the negative or on all the ways we didn’t do something, and rarely spends any time noticing what we did do. See if you can allow equal time to all the good that came about from this setting of a goal.
- Baby Steps: Break the goal into small pieces. It’s the small consistent steps that end up with progress. Think tortoise, not necessarily the hare.
- Listen to yourself: Sometimes, just the act of setting a goal and going for it reveals that actually, that is not what we really want. Setting a goal can sometimes be a clarifier, informing us that we want to take a different route. Give yourself permission to let this goal setting teach you something more about yourself and allow yourself to change direction if that feels right.
- Failing: Be willing to fail at the goal, knowing that trying is going to create progress more than doing nothing. And speaking about failure… is it really a failure if progress is made?
- Good Questions: Notice the brain chatter that goes on in your head when you’re thinking about your goal and whether you are defining it as a failure or success. Ask yourself, “what is the story I WANT to tell myself about this experience”. It won’t feel good to lie to yourself about it or justify things. Ask questions to direct your brain to helpful ideas, like:
- What have I learned?
- What are my wins?
- What changes would I make to tweak just a little, that might help me get closer to my goal?
- How did I evolve throughout this goal setting process?
- Focus for the Brain: Did you know that your brain actually likes goals? It likes goals because the brain likes direction and likes to solve problems. Setting goals gives your brain something useful to solve, instead of trying to solve things out of your control. The other interesting thing about our brains is that they want to be right. So what this means is if you set a goal, it wants to find ways to meet this goal. Your brain will go to work behind the scenes (even while you sleep) to figure out ways to achieve your goal. But if no goal is set, you brain isn’t working for you in achieving what would be so fun to achieve. So just the act of setting a goal, can get your brain focused on something you find enticing.
Setting goals will never take you backwards if you don’t beat yourself up about it, but it has the potential of moving you forward. If you promise not to beat yourself up about it, setting a goal might be just the thing to help you move forward. Give it a try!
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